Sleepy and Grumpy

So, it's time for Duncan to sleep. Through the night. In his own bed. Our current routine is:

• 6:00 - dinner
• 6:30ish - bath and frolicking (sp?) involving running around naked (Duncan, not mommy and daddy) and doing anything possible to avoid being diapered and jammied.
• 7:00 - diaper, jammies, bottle of warm milk, books...same ones over and over and over...
• 7:30 - rock to sleep and put to bed
• Anybody's guess but usually around 10 pm - wake up and cry for mommy...do not stop until she comes in. If she's tired enough, coax her into twin bed with me at this point and we are good until moring. If she's still got some gas in her tank, allow her to put me back to sleep but only for a little while, then cry and wake up. By this point she is way to tired and will just get in the twin bed in my room with me...ahhh...good night.

This must stop. So, tonight I put him down drowsy, but awake. He cried for five minutes and then was silent for an hour. Then, crying for about two minutes and then silence. It's been another hour. Do I dare hope this is working? I am prepared to try the method I read about in Happiest Toddler On The Block (hereafter HTOTB), which involves going in his room to let him know I am "still on the planet" but not picking him up, rubbing his back etc...I can just go in, say "I love you, go to sleep" and leave. I can do this every 15-20 minutes. All night if necessary, but I know with Duncan it wouldn't be. Only maybe an hour. An hour of angony.

But, so far, it's not been too bad.

It's been a year and a half since I slept in my own bed all night long.

Step Away From The Highchair and No One Gets Hurt

Eating habits. Where do I start? Duncan eats alot of cheese, pasta, fruit and vegetables (I hate the word "veggies" but I don't know why) but not alot of meat. I've tried it all and he really doesn't like it. Should I worry?

He has started to try to use a spoon and fork and bowl. He seems to be willing to eat almost anything I will put in the bowl. Maybe I should try meat! Hey! Lightbulb moment!

He does not have a sweet tooth, but loves Jello with the passion of a hundred romance novels. He also loves cold cereal when Iain and I are eating it. Grape Nuts? Loves them. Shredded Wheat? Delicious. Chocolate chip cookie? No freaking way.

When chewing, if offered a few bites of something else, instead of swallowing he just opens his mouth and lets the food fall out onto his shirt, or mine, or high chair, or whatever surface is closest and then crams the new food in.

Speaking of cramming, he is like a gerbil. So much can fit into those little cheeks!

Now, how exciting was that?

What they are made of

Oh my God I am tired! Toddlers are very tiring little people. Mine loves to hit the ground running and it is so fun to see him learning new things, and understanding what I say. "Do you want some milk?" provokes him grabbing me around the neck so we can go to the kitchen and get some. "What does a lion say?" brings a very hilarious roar. So. Much. Fun.

And, little boys are not made of snips and snails and puppy dog tails. They are made of dirt and boogers.

I love you Ziggy

Tomorrow would have, should have been your fifth birthday. I don't know if you would have been in kindergarden or not at this point. I look at other five year old boys in amazement and wonder, fantasizing about you and what my life would be like if you had not died. There are not words to describe the depth of our sorrow that you are not here on earth with us, at the dinner table every night.

What kind of boy would you be? Bookish? Outdoorsy? These are just a few of the things of which your dad and I have been robbed. All the potential that lied within that perfect little body. All the hopes, dreams, possibilities for the future that we will never know.

Even though it has been five years, the pain is no less. I can, however, live on a day to day basis almost like any other mom. I love you so very, very much my first son. My Ziggy boy. I feel you with me, and know you are...somewhere.

I love you.
Mom 

Mama's Pumpkin

Took Duncan to a pumkin patch today...just to kick around and we had a great time.

Later on, he called me mama for the first time. My heart broke into a million happy pieces. 

Heavy Heart

My friend (not close, but a friend) found her 3 month-old baby boy in his crib this morning, not breathing. He could not be resuscitated. He died. Her husband had left about an hour earlier to catch a plane to Baton Rouge and he was already in the air by the time she found the baby, dead in his crib. She had checked on him only four hours earlier, and he was fine...

So unbelievably tragic, sad, and terrifying.

More on mother bereavement later. My head hurts, my heart is heavy, and my eyes are puffy from crying.

These feelings are all too familiar and I must be careful. When I first got the news, I was short of breath, had chills and could not focus. It's not me, it's not me again. It's not me again. No, no, no. It's not me. I've already been through my child's death. This is not me.

Not this time.

My friend's name is Amy and her baby boy was Zane Thomas.