Bag Lady

 

 

I know it’s cliché, but I am finding it hard to believe it is the end of the school year.  Which means we have lived in this house for almost a full year.  And we still have stuff in the garage that needs to be “unpacked”.  I’ve had some round about thoughts lately, that I do believe have perhaps settled down and come full circle.  Some times it takes me a while, but every so often I get it and have a light bulb moment. 

This house meets our needs.  When we first looked at it, we walked away for 30 days and continued to look for something we like more, that had more room.  This one had been remodeled by the previous owners so it was fine, but not really to our tastes and probably not what we would have done had the job been up to us.  It is not large, and the office set up for Iain is not the greatest.  But, it is right across from the school that we wanted.  We found other houses in the area that we liked much better but they seemed to have some issues that made us nervous, like foundation reports.  So, in the end we kind of “settled” for this one.  I will not lie.  I do not love this house.  But, I do love where it is and I do love the neighborhood..a lot.  It is worth it to be in the area. 

There are many things I would like to do to this house to make it feel mine.  I would like to change the front of it, paint the brick, add a front patio space, put in new windows, replace the awful fake wood floors, put some color on the walls (oh the beige…it bores me to death).  All of these things take money.  A lot of money.  So, in my very round about way I have realized how much I value being able to make these changes, if we are to make this house a home.   I have also realized I do not have to do it all at once, or even start with one of the bigger jobs.  Even a small change can make a big difference.  So, I started with my little Pinterest blog experiment, and my front flower beds (which were full of awful, boring, old person plants). 

Once immersed in these projects, it became clear to me that we were living in a bit of chaos. Too much stuff.  So, I started filling 13-gallon garbage sacks full of things we did not need.  Clothes, linens, toys, etc…So far I have taken about 8-10 bags to the Goodwill drop off and with each bag I feel lighter, more free, and like I have more room, more freedom, more time.  Less chaos.  Less clutter, physically and emotionally.  I have not missed one.single.thing. that I have donated.  Things that I thought I needed to hang on to for purely emotional reasons….gone! 

I have a fantasy that this reduction in clutter and chaos will free up what we need to do in order to get our finances in better shape so that we can afford to to the bigger projects sooner than later.  Will post pics soon.

Finn

 

Oh, sweet Finn. Where do I begin?  I need to get things written down before I forget this magic age of almost 3.5.  Random.

You love noodles, gummy bears, Fruit Loops, and milk.  That’s about it.  There are other things you will eat, but those are your main food groups.

Funny things you say include, “I’m okay!” whenever you hit your head, which is often.  When someone asks you a question, your answer is always, “pretty good”!  No matter what the question.  You also say, “What you are doing?” or “Where you are going?”  Consistently. 

You cannot sleep without blankie and your Toys 3 flashlight from Peachy. 

You hit the ball almost every time off the tee and are a bit of a phenom. 

You refuse to poop in the potty. 

You know all the words to Take Me Out to the Ballgame and Who Let The Dogs Out.

We love you Finny!

Copycat

 

So, a few of my really good friends posted on their blogs about this really clever idea!  So, when I found myself with two loaves of kid bread, and a big jar of cheap peanut butter I said, “self, you are going to do this.”  Slapped 9 of these babies together in about 10 minutes, wrapped up up tight, put them back in the bread bag and threw them in the freezer.  It’s a little sad what a thrill it gave me, and continues to give me.  I can’t wait to throw one in D’s lunch Monday morning and experience the full-on rush of actually having saved myself some time.

Thanks, friends!

Sweetness

 

Oh, Finn.  Sweet, big-eyed, candy and doughnut loving Finn.  I cannot resist you.  Even though I know you will only lick off the frosting and leave most of the doughnut in tact, when you ask me for the football shaped doughnut I will buy it for you.  Every time.

Took the kids to Krispy Kreme last Saturday on the way to Aunt Becky’s and Granny’s.  Every once in a while I realize that I’m doing something that used to frighten me…like taking all three of them somewhere with no restraining device or backup help.  We simply get out of the car and walk through the parking lot like normal people, go in, sit down and do whatever.  Truly, this is a huge step for me. 

We (they) ate doughnuts then went to visit Aunt Becky and Granny for a bit while Daddy took a concealed handgun class (watch out all you Richardson bad guys).  It was a good day.

fat mum slim: February photo-a-day challenge

fat mum slim: February photo-a-day challenge: Doing this!

Happiest Place on Earth

 

Claire loves horses.  She got the Tangled set with the doll and Maximus and leaves poor Rapunzel to fare for herself while Claire and Max go have good times.  I found her four plastic horses, about twelve inches high, at my favorite thrift store a few months ago and she takes at least two of them everywhere we go.  We have Buttercup, Apple, Smoke, Brownie, Big Brownie, Maximus and Tiny Horse.  She reads books about horses and has long talked about riding one at the zoo.  A really great friend of mine gave her an unbelievable rocking horse for Christmas last year, which I think started it all.  Baby dolls lie lonely in the floor but the horses make magic happen. 

Finally, Aunt Becky made her dream come true. 

Major Upheaval

 

Friday afternoon was a pretty spectacular day, weather-wise.  Just about 70 degrees, sunny.  Very nice for January.  So, I invited my great friend over after we picked up our kids from school.  We’d sit on the patio, drink wine, menu plan, and watch the kids play peacefully. 

Finn had been complaining that he didn’t feel well, and that his body hurt.  Finn doesn’t complain much but I have a hard time learning these lessons so I kind of down played it.  I told my friend, but she said she didn’t mind and we’d stick with our plan.  Hurray! 

Shortly after we got back from school, Finn puked all over the floor.  Panic.  Tears.  Lysol.  Got him cleaned up, as well as the floor and Iain took him back to lie down on our bed.  We all continued with our wonderful afternoon.  Finn emerged about twenty minutes later and despite my efforts to at least keep him on my lap, insisted on playing baseball.  Maybe it was the wine.  Maybe the glorious warm day.  But again, we just kept chugging along.

Friend and her kids went home later on and all seemed pretty fine.  Finn seemed better, just sleepy.  Saturday was “family work day” since we were having friends for dinner.  Again, Finn seemed fine.  We even passed the 24 hour, golden rule mark of kid vomit.  Cleaned the house, made pot roast, chocolate cake, had a really fun day.  Friends came for dinner.  Great time was had by all.

Sunday morning I thought to myself, “I must had had too much wine last night”.  But soon realized very differently.  Claire and I had both fallen.  She seemed to have a brief spurt, and recover quickly like Finn but that would soon prove wrong.  I took to bed most of the day.  I got up around 2, and Iain went to run some errands.  Just about then, Claire resumed being sick and did not stop until well after bedtime.  Duncan fell at 4 a.m.  Iain is currently in fetal position in our bed. 

I am glad for a few things.  That Iain and I did not get sick on the same days.  That Duncan is old enough to puke in a bucket.  That I have a good washer with a sanitize cycle, even though it takes 3 HOURS TO COMPLETE. 

Oh, and we managed to get 1 other child, and two other adults (at this point and time…there could be others) sick!  Hooray!  So, this morning we are having a Shawn the Sheep marathon.  Claire is still kind of listless but is drinking Pedialyte.  Duncan keeping everything down so I’m hopeful for school tomorrow.  I feel great!

Does this post make my butt look big?

 

Some of you may remember this post about jeans.  I loved it and took it to heart.  I immediately got rid of my old jeans with misplaced pockets and decided I would try to find some new ones.  I am always trying to lose weight and often find myself in the trap of  “when I lose xx pounds I will _________”  i.e. buy some new jeans.  This time I just decided to do it. 

I found myself with some time on my hands last Thursday (my only day in which I have five glorious, kid-free hours) so I went into Stein Mart.  There on the clearance rag were a pair that kind of spoke to me.  I knew I wanted a dark wash, and that the pockets had to be right.  I also knew that there were probably many pairs in Stein Mart that would lead me down the wrong path so I was skeptical.  I trudged into the fitting room, braved the terrible lighting and pulled these on.  Need I even say how grateful I am that so many jeans now have some lycra?  Glory be.

I wondered how I would know about the pockets so I tried to use my phone to snap some pics. Who takes pictures of their backside, much less in a dressing room?  It was that important.  I got a couple of shots and decided that they looked like they could work.  They actually fit, which was reason enough to buy them, but I’m thinking the pockets pass the long-butt test.  What do you think?

Photo Book

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I had a $20 credit with them (Free!  Because I ordered my Christmas cards from them.) and used it on a quickie photo book of the Christmas pics.

January 1

 

This day, Time winds th' exhausted chain;
To run the twelvemonth's length again:
I see, the old bald-pated fellow,
With ardent eyes, complexion sallow,
Adjust the unimpair'd machine,
To wheel the equal, dull routine.
The absent lover, minor heir,
In vain assail him with their prayer;
Deaf as my friend, he sees them press,
Nor makes the hour one moment less,
Will you (the Major's with the hounds,
The happy tenants share his rounds;
Coila's fair Rachel's care to-day,
And blooming Keith's engaged with Gray)
From housewife cares a minute borrow,
(That grandchild's cap will do to-morrow,)
And join with me a-moralizing;
This day's propitious to be wise in.
First, what did yesternight deliver?
"Another year has gone for ever."
And what is this day's strong suggestion?
"The passing moment's all we rest on!"
Rest on-for what? what do we here?
Or why regard the passing year?
Will Time, amus'd with proverb'd lore,
Add to our date one minute more?
A few days may-a few years must-
Repose us in the silent dust.
Then, is it wise to damp our bliss?
Yes-all such reasonings are amiss!
The voice of Nature loudly cries,
And many a message from the skies,
That something in us never dies:
That on his frail, uncertain state,
Hang matters of eternal weight:
That future life in worlds unknown
Must take its hue from this alone;
Whether as heavenly glory bright,
Or dark as Misery's woeful night.
Since then, my honour'd first of friends,
On this poor being all depends,
Let us th' important now employ,
And live as those who never die.
Tho' you, with days and honours crown'd,
Witness that filial circle round,
(A sight life's sorrows to repulse,
A sight pale Envy to convulse),
Others now claim your chief regard;
Yourself, you wait your bright reward.

True Image

A sweet friend of mine at Sarah Thompson Photography took these pictures (and more) of our kids a few weeks ago.  It was a really warm day and I just got them in some clean play clothes and ran.  Claire and Finn threw pretty spectacular fits in the van on the way there, and I could not convince Duncan to wear shoes other than the hand-me-down cowboy boots he got from a neighbor.    And these might be my favorite pictures ever.  Especially that shot of Duncan.  There are 21 in all, and I am going to have a super time creating a Christmas card this year. 

NBFF

I'm going to be really honest about something.  The term "best friend" kind of bugs me.  As a child, it certainly didn't.  I had several!  Robin, from Day 1.  We were inseparable.  When I moved away at age 6, we stayed very close.  We moved back to Texas after 8th grade, and once again, Robin and I fell right back into our friendship even though we went to different high schools.  Best friends once again, and then college room mates and room mates again after she finished law school.  Now living in Chicago, I still love her deeply and wish I could see her all the time.

However, during those years I also had Gina, currently living in Manhattan and still one of my closest and dearest even though we hardly get a chance to talk or see each other.  Angela.  We went to high school together and were also "best friends."  And while we lived in New Jersey, I had Sue.  Also, a bestie.  See, things are already getting confusing.

Now, though, in my adult hood I have a growing disdain for the term.  I know, I have issues.  But truly, I have so many wonderful and amazing friends.  Wish I could think of a word other than amazing.  Great.  Honorable.  Kind.  Loyal.  Funny.  Remarkable.  A few have proven themselves to be in-the-trenches-loyal-to-the-bone and I know the minute I got the call that something horrible had happened they would immediately be at my side.  Some I have had for 45 years and some for a fraction of that time...but I could not say that any one of them is the best.  That would mean that others are not the best!  Why does this bug me?  I'm not completely sure but it does.

Instead of giving them labels, they just are.  Some I see more often than others, some live far away, but all are great and so very important to me.  I just don't think if someone said, "who is your best friend?" I could come up with a good answer.

Just a Regular Day

Well, here we are...ten years later.  The place I wanted to be.  All of this is really effed up, you know because you can't get your head around it.  If Z had lived, we most likely would not have had the life we have now...our path would have been different and I simply cannot imagine not having this life.  See?  Effed up.  So we kind of walk away from those kinds of thoughts.  They are not productive and get us nowhere.

While today isn't really like any other day, for the most part it will have to be!  Iain is in Seattle and Duncan is out of school so the chaos of all three of them at home (for the third day in a row!  with one more to go! gee willikers!) takes over.  I had thought about taking all of them to the zoo but a clearer head prevailed this morning and think maybe the local library and Chick Fil A will do.  Maybe we will Christen my new Kichen Aid?  Make Aunt Becky a birthday card?  It's kind of rainy and cloudy so indoor fun is best.  Right now the boys have every blanket and pillow on Finn's bed and are pretending it's their ship and the carpet is the water.  They have kidnapped Claire's teddy bear and just told her the bad news that her bear has been shredded up by Finn (a shark) in the ocean.  That's pretty good.

Happy Birthday Z.

Gosh I love this kid. He is a baseball freak. Loves it. And it's really fun to watch him love it. We are playing coach pitch this fall with the same team from last spring. Games are a bit of a drive but Claire and Finn have fun running around and they are big enough now that I can relax a bit and just let them. Tonight, the weather was spectacular and it was just a super night.

The Help

Ten Years

I remember sitting in a chair in our living room, facing the window, across from Iain and my mom.  The words "I just want it to be ten years from now" coming out of my mouth.  I am pretty sure I was not thinking that everything would be fine in ten years...probably just that I did not want it to be now.  Because now was so brutal and horrific that it felt like it would take me ten years to move an inch from that place.  I also remember saying that I was pretty sure I would never feel joy again.

So, voila!  Here I am.  Ten years later.  It's such a difficult thing, to try to figure out how I feel vs. how I thought I would feel.  In some respects, life is so much better than I ever thought it would be and in some respects it is no different.  That feeling of grief for your child just never goes away.  No matter how fast you try to outrun it, you never can.  I can so easily drum up those feelings that I felt in those first weeks and months after he died but most times I dare not.  Sometimes I do, though.  It feels necessary.  I don't find it necessary to visit where he is laid to rest, so maybe this is my "visit the cemetery." 

It's hard not to stare it right in the face...this ten year anniversary.  But, where I am now is very, very good.  It is very, very bright and wonderful and full of wonder.  I dare not entertain anyone who starts to go down the "if he hadn't died" road, indicating we would not have the children we do have...the living, breathing ones.  That is something that not only will we never know, but it does not matter.  None of the what if's matter.  Learned that lesson the hard way, huh?  He did die.  And we do have these living, breathing children.  No platitudes necessary.  And speaking of these children, somehow it has all worked out just the way it was supposed to.  God sent them to us just as he sent us Ziggy...I do know that for sure.  Some day I might have answers, and I might not, but that doesn't really matter to me anymore either.  

I like to think that I no longer have one foot in the grave, longing to be with my dead child.  I no longer dwell on the fact that he is dead.  I no longer define myself by his death.  That is what ten years does.  But that's about where it ends.  He is still as important and as real, but even more important and more real are the three that followed.  

It got below 90 degrees today, y'all.

Seriously. Just look at him.

First

Duncan started first grade this week. I am both shocked and thrilled about this. When we bought this house in May, we bought it mainly because the door that he would exit every day after school is visible from my kitchen window and my front door.

See that hallway in the background? That third window from the end? That's his class. And the window in the foreground? I rest my case. So, when the ink was not yet dry on the papers, we went over to the school to get him registered. And were told that first grade was full for next year, thus he was on a wait list for a spot. No, no, no...I know what you are thinking. It's not a private school! It's our neighborhood public school. After the feeling that I was going to vomit had passed, I immediately scoured the web for possible solutions. After all, when feeling totally out of control there is certainly something you can find on the internet that will help you feel like you have something you can do. Read all the rules and regulations and whatnot and it was a fairly grim outlook. Basically, if no one moved or otherwise gave up their spot, we would be sent to an overflow school of unknown location. Over the next six weeks we visited the new school, called the district, waited for the new principal to come on board and looked at every possible outcome.

Once everyone was back in their offices in late July we pounced on them again, to meet the new principal and hope our options had improved. We were told that they might get a waiver allowing more than 22 students in the class, and if Duncan was #1 or #2 on the list then he would have a spot. Lots of vaguery. So then I did what any other totally panicky momma bear would do and I started calling in favors and leaving messages for people at the Superintendent's office. Lo and behold just a week later they called us, assuring us that Duncan does indeed have a spot.

Drop off yesterday went off splendidly...a real 180 from last year. Two days in and we are going strong. No tears, no "I don't want to go to school"...nothing. All enthusiasm. Hooray!!!