October

I broke down in tears tonight when I saw Duncan's little jeans in a pile in the middle of the kitchen floor. Not because I'd have to pick them up (sigh) but because he still wears little jeans. I want him to wear little jeans for a long, long time. I'm also sad because his feet are too big for Keds Scooters. I've saved every pair he's had...the red ones.

October. You are a mess for me. You bring so many emotions. Ziggy. My precious first born. The boy who made me a parent. I miss you so deeply I can't even find words to write about how much. You have given me so much. Right after you died I would not have believed how happy I would be eight years later. Because of you, I am somehow able to (almost) daily reflect on how grateful I am to be able to be a mommy to these living, breathing children. So, at night, when they are all finally in bed and I go in Duncan's bathroom and see all of his bath toys in a pile in the empty, just-drained tub and his underwear on the floor I am grateful I am the one to clean it up. I am grateful that we have so many diapers to throw away and bottles to wash and mouths to feed. I wish I'd been able to clean up after you, my sweet child, and to feed you and hear your voice but to think of all I've lost is just too much for me most days. Some days I let myself feel it but even then it is hard and scary. I have to do it, though. So, in these early days of October you are heavy on my heart and the sadness creeps back in. How has it only been eight years since I held you? The pain is too acute, still, to think about it for too long.

Then, October creeps along and we have a chance to celebrate the lives of your baby brother and sister and I reel in the fact that I've got three more children! Three beautiful, happy, healthy, wild, seeminly insatiable children. They truly are a poor man's therapy and most days there is a nugget of wisdom to be attained. Patience. Love. Tolerance. Self-Examination. Truth. Respect. Honesty.

It's raining now, and all three of the kids are sleeping. I go check on them, watch them sleep and breathe and thank God that they are here and that in the morning, they will be doing their best to drive me nuts.